I am bad at writing, so I draw

Maya Gulieva

November 14th, 2019 4:41 min read 1289 words
Untitled soft thoughts, charcoal, pencil and graphite on paper, A4, 2019

I am bad at writing

Because English didn’t used to be my first language.

Because my GCSE teacher told me I will fail.

Because of patriarchy.

Because I am a woman and people aren’t really interested in what I have to say.

Because I can’t construct a convincing argument.

Because of my learning disability, and there being a medical explanation for why my mind struggles to form sentences and arrange things in a linear order.

Because I am a really indecisive person, and by nature of writing things down, I change my mind immediately and delete everything.

Because I am an artist, which comes with insecurities of being “original”, being different.

Because I am afraid to say something that somebody has already said, and doing a worse job of it.

Because I want to be told it’s good writing, it good opinion, it’s the correct opinion, it’s good language, it’s the best choice of words, it’s a topical subject matter.

Because the drafts I write are never good enough, so I redraft them.

Because the sentences I put down are never good enough, so I rewrite them.

Because the words I choose to describe something are never the right words, so I Thesaurus them.

Because writing means overthinking.

Because my relationship with writing is hard work

so I draw.

Because drawing has no orthographic, grammatical, punctuational or sequential rules.

Because drawing has no rules.

Because when I draw, I don’t feel like I’m cheating.

Because drawing transforms disability into opportunity.

Because drawing transforms verbal concerns into pre-verbal ones.

Because drawing is spatial, visceral, lived and experienced.

Because drawing is visual poetry.

Because drawings can be diagrams.

Because drawings can have letters.

Because drawing can be writing.

Swimming through introversion, charcoal, pencil and graphite on paper, A4, 2019

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