Shannan's Diary

Shannan Hu

June 12th, 2022 4:41 min read 1289 words

28 Sep 2021 21:00

Lunchtime – I asked Li why she hadn’t brushed the pan after using it and why she always makes me uncomfortable with these daily subtle things. She replied that she didn’t use the pan! Was it me that didn’t brush it? I was shocked, and then remembered that I cooked sticky rice in the morning, and the pan was not easy to clean, so I tried to soak it for a while before brushing it. I blamed her for my fault because “forgetting to brush the pan” was something I thought she might do. How could I get it so wrong and describe her as I imagined her to be! What am I doing?

I look back to my childhood, especially the relationship between my stepmother and me, which cast a solid shadow over my life. I thought about all the horrible things she and her daughter had done to me, and the vivid images of them pushing me and not giving me any space at home. I can’t help but wonder, are these memories real? Did I make up a lot of false details in order to hate them?

In order to hate her, I imagined her as a person I would hate

“The real world is your consciousness.” When we look at people with a strong sense of subjectivity, they will become what we think they are. Then what happens to them? We rely on our subjectivity to understand how we see the world outside. Subjective illusions can cause prejudice, hatred and problems in society. I have been deeply hurt without realising it.


9 Jan 2022 17:00

Mail Martin

WIP, Slowness, living in the present
Next step
conscious build our reality idea

Since I have had a lot of shifts, my world has become different; I don’t seem to be my old self.
I have made myself happy by rarely judging and complaining about people. Sometimes I even think about how I would think if I were my old self.
Consciously build the future — how we could change ourselves (more sensitive, passionate, creative and loving)

There is a Chinese word “因果 “, which literally translates as cause and effect. There is a cause, from the conscious, from the higher self. There will be an effect, or we could say the reality that will be created. If we want to manifest the future we want, we should change our consciousness from this point.


12 Mar 2022 17:42


Trust, compassion, promise
Way of living
How to forgive

“The meaning of life is to give life meaning.” From Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning
Martin said that my method of meaning is through making things.

I agree


22 Mar 2022 17:50

I published an article on content-free, It’s too late, where I talk about how I was eager to have a lot of things to fulfil my desire in a special period of my life. I read 100 books a year, ran marathons, and made my life super-efficient. I grabbed more and more, like everything was running late, but was it really too late?

After I published, it was easy to talk to people about how much of a desirous person I used to be, how much suffering I went through, and how much I had changed. Each time when I describe it, I notice that it seems like it happened to someone else rather than me. The old me is dead, I guess.


31 Mar 2022 14:00

0-5 A happy family
5-10 Living with my dad
10-25 My dad remarried, mum remarried, mum divorced, mum married again, mum divorced again, mum died. Forcing dad to divorce that woman, failure
25-28 I only have myself, desire, emotional control, breakdown
28-30 Change, inner discovery, transformation, renewal


09 Apr 2022 11:10

I just ended a call with my uncle.

After I decided to do the funeral performance, I interviewed my family and friends. I asked them what they might say to me if I died at a particular age. During the interviews, I observed how each person had a different impression of me and how they lived in different social situations. My grandma always mentions that she is illiterate. She didn’t have an opportunity to access education in the new China years. My uncle loves crazy hairdressing art. But he has to feed his family and go to the vegetable market every day to sell soybean sauce; my grandma Zhaoyu loved my mum very much. I was surprised that my mum was loved by so many people. And my mum wasn’t hated by many others. My dad was reluctant to bring up the past. He thought that people had to look forward. He is satisfied with me now.

I miss my mum


07 May 2022 05:20

Li didn’t come home last night, and she promised to take part in my performance today. I don’t know if she is still coming. She hasn’t given me the text she needs to write yet. I felt very negative. I was complaining in my mind that she didn’t care about me. I know I should have a different perspective on consciousness, but I can’t do it now. I don’t want to make excuses or make myself feel better.


07 May 2022 20:00

My performance went well, more than twenty people came. Li came too, and her writing is wonderful. I am ashamed of what I thought in the morning.

“I often think back to the moment when we decided to live together
In the taxi in Beijing, I turned to you
and asked if you wanted to live with me
It made such a big influence in each other’s lives
I’m so grateful for that moment

But I would love to go back to that moment now
To revise some of my questions
I would still ask you if you wanted to live with me
and then I would say how much I love you.”

How many times do I need to be in pain before truly embracing her? Is 10,000 times enough?


16 May 2022 00:18

I saw the performance post on Instagram. I am separated by screen and time now. The scene felt very different from what was recorded. Is it possible that images can recreate reality? Would each friend have a different memory of the performance?
I wondered if people passing in the cemetery would come and see what was going on?

I also thought it was pretty funny that my topic is ‘conscious choices can build future realities’. But instead, I had a funeral that looked back on the past. Maybe my consciousness is choosing from moment to moment in this way.

Who is my AUDIENCE? This question is making my head spin! My work contains many social parts of people. I wish that different people can find the parts that resonate with them. Maybe Tracey can help me answer the question.


16 May 2022 17:40

I have exams the day after tomorrow, I am still self-doubting whether the project has meaning. Whether my life has meaning, meaning is too important to me. I showed my funeral performance to a UAL friend. She loved it and found it challenging to look back at the past in this way with another external perspective and be true to what happened to me. I replied that it wasn’t difficult for me. Because of the perspective of a third party, I can face it by stripping away the feelings and pains of my experiences. As if my past self really died, and I am a new one.

I know what it feels like to gnash my teeth in hate. I know how lonely it is to have no place in the world I can call home. The complexity of my life’s conflict has torn me apart before properly internalising it. I reorganise, find a new body, and drop the torn away.


17 May 2022 07:50

I’m ready to show my latest work tomorrow. I’ve decided to be an artist since I started drawing consciously in March this year. I asked Martin if I could be an artist. He said, “I think you already are.” I was touched by his warm words.


17 May 2022 10:50

In the near future, I will say goodbye to the RCA and many people I love. I think back to why I came here, I would like to study broader design philosophy and practice to guide my career. At this point, I have failed. I’m an artist now. I do not feel sad but grateful for everything I’ve learnt at the RCA, and I’m grateful that I’ve allowed myself to take it all in.

Once, I asked Ken how he could have such passion in teaching us, he said he is incredibly lucky to have the chance to teach what he loves.

I want to say thank you all for giving your passion, time and love to us. And I am ready to give myself to the world.

Thank you so much.

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